


1. feel something

by sapphicism (ranpoandpoe)



Series: playlist of us // tomlex series [2]
Category: Alex Rider (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25919503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ranpoandpoe/pseuds/sapphicism
Summary: "I'm too young to feel so numb. You could be the one to make me feel something." (Bea Miller)
Relationships: Tom Harris/Alex Rider
Series: playlist of us // tomlex series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1881013
Kudos: 15





	1. feel something

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mxdnightrose (xllwood)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xllwood/gifts).



> SONG NO. 1  
> \- feel something, by bea miller

Alex didn’t want to have ‘don’t feel anything’ as his main coping mechanism, but neither did he want to lose his family and work as a spy for the government. I mean, a sixteen year old shouldn’t, because of child labor and all. 

The problem was, his coping mechanisms weren’t exactly selective. It was good that as he was tortured _after_ being kidnapped, his only reaction was to sing punk rock songs and to deal with Ian’s death, he’d only eat and destroy the little slices of whatever Jack decided they’d eat that day. 

But in order not to feel the pain, he didn’t feel anything. When he looked at Tom, he could still see the boy he had a crush on since forever. He could still hear his laughter, see his movies and talk to him for hours and hours, but- what he _felt_ was only a ghost of what it used to be.

He wanted to feel, anything at all, to feel like a person again instead of a machine. All the broken hearted teenagers at school, he’d envy them; it was cruel, yes, but he didn’t mind it. Nothing really mattered anyway, but couldn’t Tom break his heart? Alex would imagine stories in his head, where nothing really bad could happen as long as they had each other, where the sight of Tom every night after work would make his heart jump out of his chest while he went to heaven and back. 

He still remembered how it was, to see Tom every morning and feel like he’d hung all of the stars in the sky. In all the dreams, in all the stories, he _felt._ He wanted this future, and it was something so simple — why couldn’t he feel a fucking thing?

“How are you such a good spy?” Someone once asked and he honestly didn’t know. “How do you ignore that you’re afraid of dying?”

“I don’t,” Alex answered and he was aware that the other had understood that he didn’t ignore, but the truth was, he wasn’t afraid. It was a bit more complex than that. He didn’t want to die: he had plans for the future and even though he himself didn’t feel much, Jack and Tom did. Maybe even Mrs. Jones. But would dying be worse than the actual moment? At least, he wouldn’t be aware of his own apathy.

When Alex hit his head somewhere, when someone would torture him with anything, knives or boiling water, he’d just want more. Because he didn’t feel anything, so maybe getting burned could do the job. How much pain would be enough to make him feel a single fucking thing? They said he was crazy and maybe, they were right. 

So, as Tom slept next to him during one of their sleepovers, Alex whispered, “I want to feel again. Please, make me feel again…” He let out a sigh. He knew Tom couldn’t really help him normally, and asking it while his best friend was asleep wouldn’t make the situation better, but if someone could, it was him. It was a silly, 2am thought that made Alex glad that Tom was… too asleep to listen. “Tom… can you tell me what’s wrong with me?"


End file.
